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And while you could absolutely go for au currant (and nausea-inducing) in your white bathrobe a la Harvey Weinstein, we've got a few added St. Louis-specific ideas. Who should you go as for this year's Halloween affair abounding with the city's movers and shakers? Here are our best attempts at apparel to shock and awe the admiral that be.
11. Axl RoseDig out that “ST. LOUIS SUCKS” bodice and tie on a chaplet so bound that you can't bethink your goddamn name or song lyrics. Arrive at the affair hours late, go anon to the bath and drink/snort aggregate in the anesthetic cabinet. Now alpha assortment and smacking cameras out of people's hands. Back they complain, bandy a few chairs and slur, "Welfum to the Mumble" afore fucking off afore your boastful acknowledgment 26 years later.
10. Courtland SykesGo for the James Bond-wannabe attending with a clothing with no tie, popped collar and an "ouch-the-sun-is-in-my-eyes" smolder. In one hand, backpack a archetype of "The Acceptable Wife's Guide" (Housekeeping Monthly, 1955). In the other, backpack a "Make America Abundant Again" hat. (Heaven forbid you abutment Trump at the amount of messing up your lusciously wind-blown hair.) Insist to anybody that you're not absolutely cutting a costume.
10. Post-Dispatch Editorial Page Director Tod RobbersonCome dressed in accidental canoeing attire, complete with a affection sweater befuddled aloof so over your shoulders. Comment to the added guests about how the pizza aloof isn't as acceptable as that which you enjoyed as a adopted contributor in Saudi Arabia. If you see any Post-Dispatch reporters milling about, cruise them.
8. Francis SlayGet a best KSHE t-shirt, gas base sunglasses, a brace of burden shorts and some Tevas. If you can annex a boombox, comedy your "Argent/Gentle Behemothic Klassics" mix band at top volume. Be the aftermost one to leave and admonish people, "It's not like I acquire to assignment tomorrow." Acquire a abundant time, all the time, alive that the blend out there is addition else's problem. (See: No. 12.)
5. Prolific RFT Commenter Scott ShoemakerComb over your abrasion beard and put on your nicest brace of Ray Bans. Go about arresting conversations to acquaint affair guests that "liberalism is a brainy disorder," no amount what they're talking about. If anyone asks what you're accomplishing at a affair abounding of liberals, abuse to dox them.
4. St. Louis Blues OwnersShow up to a affair abounding of academy acceptance and under-employed do-gooders in a behemothic Hummer and Armani suits, ambitious anybody there accord to your new car fund. Back the sole developed in the allowance suggests it's a bad idea, hit her with a lawsuit.
3. Amazon HeadquartersAre you kidding? You wouldn't be bent asleep in St. Louis. But you're still big-hearted abundant that you'll condescend to acquire commitment of its affair invites. Acquire your secretary assurance for the city's expensively produced entreaties, again accord a affable cackle as you bung them in the debris and arch to your clandestine even en avenue to Denver.
And finally, for all you couples out there ...
1. Riot Cop and Hazardous SubstanceOne of you dresses up like an burghal commando advancing to comedy a real-life bold of Halo. The added dresses as a aerosol canteen labeled "apple cider vinegar." Riot cop attempts to assemblage all the affair guests into the bend extreme from the candy while chanting "Whose snacks? Our snacks!" aloof as Apple Cider Alkali accidentally approaches. Riot cop again shrieks like Ned Flanders and flees the room. Let's aloof achievement he doesn't acquittal his account weapon "in abhorrence for his life" first.
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